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Random funeral thoughts:
- For my funeral, everyone gets a stun gun. Last one standing gets all my stuff.
- When I die, I want someone to dress as the Grim Reaper and stand in front of the casket without saying a word to anyone.
- Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin’ hot body.
- You can’t spell funeral without fun.
- As soon as you’re born you start dying. So you might as well have a good time.
- What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day in your life for it.
- The only people without problems are those in cemeteries.
- Don’t take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- Why can’t you cremate a clown? Because they burn funny.
- I want a closed casket funeral. At the end of the service, the organist should energetically play “Pop Goes the Weasel” over and over until everyone is staring at my coffin in silent, horrified anticipation.
- Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next!” So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
- Never get on a funeral director’s bad side. Remember, cremation destroys 100% of DNA.
- Any day above ground is a good one.
- Nothing lasts forever. Except embalming.
- At my funeral, I want someone wearing the same outfit I had on when I died to burst through the doors and say, “OK this is where it gets complicated….”
- “I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing, unless you’re at a funeral.
- I hope my eulogy begins with, “He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.”
- We really don’t understand death. The proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow.
- Morticians: Tagging people since before Facebook.
- The only thing worse than “checkin in” at a funeral is tagging the person in the coffin.
- “I wish I’d done more housework while I was alive” said no tombstone ever.
- At my funeral, when they lower me into the ground, I want someone to play “Drop It Like It’s Hot.”
- I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”
- I’m always relieved when someone is delivering
- a eulogy and I realise I’m listening to it.
- Every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day, but every year you also pass your death day and have no clue.
- When I go, I want catnip planted all over my grave. That way all the stray cemetery cats will flock to my grave and rub all over it, and people will think I was some kind of cat god.
- I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti. That way some future archeologist will have an amazing day at work.
- When I die, I want someone to change my status to “Chilling with Jesus” and my occupation to “Haunting All of You.”
- If I drop dead in front of you, please do me the courtesy of rolling me onto my back so that it looks like my stomach is flat.
- When I die, instead of a eulogy, I want someone to read all the things internet commenters have written about me because they always have the right idea.
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