You just have to admit it: Death is absurd. Funerals can be weird; funny, even.
God has, for some reason, granted us life, numbered our days, and given many of us a steak of dark humor.
If that’s you, read on! If not, well, uh… don’t.
Here are 31 somewhat dark but otherwise harmless (and hilarious) funeral jokes and one-liners.
Hunger Games, IRL
For my funeral, everyone gets a stun gun. Last one standing gets all my stuff.
When I die, I want someone to dress as the Grim Reaper and stand in front of the casket without saying a word to anyone.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin’ hot body.
I put the fun in funeral
You can’t spell funeral without fun.
One day closer…
As soon as you’re born you start dying. So you might as well have a good time.
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day in your life for it.
Lay your troubles to rest
The only people without problems are those in cemeteries.
Ain’t it the truth
Don’t take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Why can’t you cremate a clown? Because they burn funny.
How to decide on open vs closed casket
I want a closed casket funeral. At the end of the service, the organist should energetically play “Pop Goes the Weasel” over and over until everyone is staring at my coffin in silent, horrified anticipation.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next!” So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Trained and certified to dispose of
the evidence bodies
Never get on a funeral director’s bad side. Remember, cremation destroys 100% of DNA.
6 feet up
Any day above ground is a good one.
Forever is a long time
Nothing lasts forever. Except embalming.
At my funeral, I want someone wearing the same outfit I had on when I died to burst through the doors and say, “OK this is where it gets complicated….”
Choose your words carefully
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing, unless you’re at a funeral.
Follow your dreams
I hope my eulogy begins with, “He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.”
Are you comfortable?
We really don’t understand death. The proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow.
Before it was cool
Morticians: Tagging people since before Facebook.
That’s the funeral director’s job
The only thing worse than “checkin in” at a funeral is tagging the person in the coffin.
So who does the laundry?
“I wish I’d done more housework while I was alive” said no tombstone ever.
At my funeral, when they lower me into the ground, I want someone to play “Drop It Like It’s Hot.”
Many happy returns
I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”
If you can hear this…
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day, but every year you also pass your death day and have no clue.
… or a crazy cat lady
When I go, I want catnip planted all over my grave. That way all the stray cemetery cats will flock to my grave and rub all over it, and people will think I was some kind of cat god.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti. That way some future archeologist will have an amazing day at work.
Winning at social media
When I die, I want someone to change my status to “Chilling with Jesus” and my occupation to “Haunting All of You.”
At least you’ll look good
If I drop dead in front of you, please do me the courtesy of rolling me onto my back so that it looks like my stomach is flat.
Why the comments section is so important
When I die, instead of a eulogy, I want someone to read all the things internet commenters have written about me because they always have the right idea.
Not a morning person
I hate going to funerals because I’m not a mourning person.
The last thing you’ll need
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Killed by bears
If I choke to death on gummy bears I hope people will just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.